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February 25, 2006 Get Moving
Here is an action photo of Bunny claiming to be taping up a box, but it isn’t a box, now, is it?
Real funny.
Painting – check. Plumbing – check. Carpet – check. Moving – no check. We’ll be stacking the boxes around
in a more tidy manner now that we are having a big book signing party on March 9.
What you want to do, what all of us should aim at, is to get right in the throes of moving from the house in
which you have lived for sixteen years – not the beginning of the move and certainly not the end of the
move. Get all your useless crap out of the attic and out of all the cabinets and closets where it has been
hidden from all but the dust for a decade and a half. Immediately throw half of it into big black plastic bags,
seal them up and leave them out by the curb. It doesn’t matter which half you throw out. None of it has any
value whatsoever and you will not miss one thing. Of course I am certain. I am looking at my own junk right
now. Got it all out in the open? Now call and have the DSL and the phone disconnected. It will only add to
your fun. Trust me.
Understand that you have already signed the contract to buy a house smaller than the one you are in now.
You are old, your life is significantly less important than it once was and you need to get rid of some of your
stuff.
Bunny said it was a really good idea.
Now, whatever of your useless junk is left, spread all your remaining stuff you haven’t seen in about ten years
all over creation. Use every room. You will need every room for this. Look at it and ponder which of it is the
most useless. Realize that it is a tie between the two dozen Arlington Stadium (now torn down)
commemorative plastic Coke cups with a very bad caricature of Nolan Ryan on it striking out his 5,000th
batter (it was Rickey Henderson and we were there) and the dog tags from our sweet dog that died before
the last sweet dog died and our current sweet dog is almost eleven years old. Once you have tear-up over
that, call and try to get the phone reconnected but not the DSL. You do not, under any circumstances, want
computer access at this time. But you will have to use the cell phone for this, because…they disconnected
your phone at the house. Remember? You asked them to. No, I have no idea who to call, but start now
because it will take “them” a month to hook up any part of what “they” can un-hook in about seven minutes.
Now run up to Home Depot. Hurry. You gotta move. Buy about nine gallons of paint, some plastic sheeting
and a roller. The color does not matter because Bunny will send you back for a different color anyway. You
had better get white because you can’t return any other color to the store. Oh, believe me, you will be
returning it. As long as you are there, buy two or three light fixtures to replace the really ugly ones you meant
to replace sixteen years ago but never did. There is absolutely no chance that anyone will buy your house
with those hideous lights in it that you have lived with for so long. Stop by a box store and get some boxes.
Did you know that there are box stores? Hurry, there isn’t much time. No, I don’t know why there isn’t much
time, but hurry.
As soon as you get back, spread plastic sheeting in every room and start painting in each and every room at
the same time. VERY IMPORTANT: ONLY OPEN ONE CAN OF PAINT. Hurry. Before you are even close to
being through with one of the rooms, run out in the front yard and plunge a “For Sale” sign into the lawn. Be
sure to puncture a sprinkler line so you will have something else to do. You will have time to put the sign up
on your way back to Home Depot to return eight gallons of white paint in order to get nine gallons of the
correct color now that you have the correct color chosen by Bunny.
Are you there yet?
Okay, now have a giant book release party on those very premises as soon as possible.
It could be worse. They could actually be showing the house to prospective buyers.
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February 21, 2006 Heidi Klum Wearing Just Paint
Two Out of Three People Are Reading "Most Fortunate Son" by Eric Luck (only the young, smart and attractive)
One of the basic differences between me and Bunny when it comes to furnishing the new house is that Bunny
wants things that go together, that flow and meld and complement and add to the mood of the space.
It all gives me a headache in my eye.
I want things I like.
I couldn’t care a whimsical whit whether or not they go together. I want to sink into the couch with a sigh of
relief and a thankful prayer for how it makes me feel to do it. Bunny wants the varying hues of red to
complement the silver sages. I want fewer invoices for recently purchased furnishings.
It is not going well for me.
I do NOT want to have to rake two dozen pillows off the couch or the bed and stack them neatly on the floor
before sitting down to catch the news or before getting into bed. Nothing will be stacked neatly when I am
getting into bed, whether the heather drapery ties complement the sea foam green pillow shams or not. I will
not be removing or installing shams of any kind. The phrase, “chucked across the room with significant
velocity” springs to mind.
I want people to notice that the HD looks particularly sharp on the TIVO’d “24” tonight as Jack Bauer saves us
from having to inhale any deadly viruses spread by terrorists with foreign accents of unknown origin.. Bunny
wants people to notice how nicely the drapes in the den tie-in with the silk covered cornice boards in the living
room. No one sporting any measurable levels of testosterone will ever notice that, even if someone with
estrogen in their body points it out to them…over and over again.
Here is what men hear when women discuss decorating and color coordination: “Hummina, hummina,
hummina, pink, hummina, hummina, hummina, couch, hummina, hummina, hummina, sequins and paisley. If
we haven’t flatlined by then from the lifeforce leaving our bodies, we start thinking about food, or sex, but most
likely food.”
Here is what we would respond to that: “Sounds great. We got anything to eat?”
I want my chair to be of a height that will allow me to easily be able to pet the dog while I watch “Malcolm in the
Middle”. I need to be able to make a smooth transition from the box of Wheat Thins on the TV tray all the way
into my mouth without pulling a hamstring. It would also be nice to have enough money left after decorating to
afford a box of Wheat Thins. It's looking very iffy.
Why would the color of the chair matter? I do not intend to stand by the side of the room and admire the color
of the chair. I intend to turn the lights off and sit on it. It is really a dark color that no one can see when it is
hidden by my extra double-wide buttocks. Without lights, it is really hard to see the stains on the chair or
couch from food I have eaten in the past. No one from “In Style” magazine will be coming to my house, unless
they pirate the old “Glamour Don’t” columns from “Glamour Magazine.”
Bunny wants the hues of the plasma TV to not clash with the pillow fringe. Kill me now.
For the next few weeks, I will be moving furniture to the new house, one item at a time. The greens and
peaches from the old house will slowly make their way to greet the browns, tans and reds of the new house and
pretty soon, it will be rainbow chaos. In my opinion, we had better have all colors that go with “corrugated box
brown with black felt pen writing on the outside”, because that will be in every room for years to come. The felt
on the pool table will still be green and will go with exactly nothing.
Spin that color wheel, gals. I will reach for the light switch and the clicker in the same motion and won’t notice a
thing except how long Stacy’s legs look in high definition tonight on “Ice Dancing with the Breastly Augmented
Borderline Semi-Celebs”.
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February 17, 2006 New Fangled Moving Pictures
The good folks up at the Richards Group, from whose offices we
witnessed the demolish-ment of the Northpark II building have put
together a little video on the implosion.
Click here if you would like to see it.
The slow-motion and the reversal are so major cool!
Thanks to Jason Payne, the editor who put it together. It is so very
awesome.
If you would like to look at my old fashioned still pictures,
click on this link to my pictures on flickr.
They are boring compared to these new fangled moving pictures.
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February 14, 2006 California Dreamin'
We've been in northern California for about five days. Although we have been here many times, it is always a wonderful
confirmation that it is a fantastic place. The image above is not me being greeted and welcomed by the California citizenry. It is
from a mural painted on the interior of Coit Tower in San Francisco and it made me chuckle.
The best part of being in California is not thinking about showing the house, vacuuming, all the stuff that needs to be done to the
new house in order to make it home or when my book will arrive. We are eating like pigs. Pigs, I tell ya. Oink.
This story is better told by my photos. If you are interested, click on this link to my pictures on flickr to look them over.
Smell you later.
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February 8, 2006 Old Fat Guy Craving Some Autofocus
I've got a pretty fancy camera and a couple of hotsy-totsy lenses that some might admire. No, I don't use that stuff all the time.
Sometimes I use the little simple camera instead. But that fancy one has an autofocus that will not quit.
The prissy photogs I know of don't like autofocus. They think you aren't a real photographer unless you manually focus each
and every shot and hand sculpt the aperture settings and shutter speeds as well. I try it sometimes because the guys that are
good think you should. And listen, when I say "guys", I mean "people", not actually "men". Some of the best photographers I
know are not prissy and they are women, so calm down for a minute.
I'm not really too bad at the aperture settings and shutter speeds, but after three eye surgeries I am finding that Canon's
autofocus is way better than my manual focus in almost every instance.
So lately, I have been relying on Canon a little more and not worrying about it. If you ask me, my photos have been better since
adopting that attitude. The trouble is that people who evaluate my photos don't ask me. What I have discovered is that I don't
really care so much.
What I do care about is the photos.
They are more fun when they are in focus and often they are in better focus when I let the camera do it...because it can and it
will, and it does it really, really well.
I am now working on a project that will allow me to take that same attitude with writing.
Yeah, you are so right...it is metaphorically delicious.
Now I offer you the picture below. I took it on February 5 right before kickoff of the Super Bowl while standing in my driveway. It
doesn't even look real to me and I was there. That layer of cirrus clouds must be thousands of feet closer to the camera than
those puffs in back. I used a big depth of field, a very expensive lens...and autofocus.
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February 3, 2006 How to Order My Book
This is not my book.
Bunny says she posed for this one too. Bunny needs some care.
My book now shows to be available to order online from the following locations:
PublishAmerica
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Booksamillion.com
You will also be able to order it from this website, but I have not yet received any books.
The retail price will be $19.95. Yeah, I know. I wouldn't pay it either. The cheapest place to buy it will be direct from me or from
PublishAmerica at $16.95 (20% off). Buy it direct from me and I will sign it for you if you would like. Now that will be quite baffling.
Anyone who sells it will also charge you shipping. If you are where I am... and you buy it from me, I will hand it to you for no
additional charge except sales taxes. If things get really tough, I will drive a copy over to your house. I am considering throwing in
a hearty handclasp or a pat on the fanny…your choice.
PublishAmerica advises that actual availability will not be until after March 27. I am told by other authors that ordering from
PublishAmerica works fine, but they tend to take a while to fill orders. You might consider ordering it from this website.
I won’t put up the order buttons until I have the books in my hot little hands, so when you order directly from me you know I will
send it right away.
You could also call your local bookstore and order it from them by name and ISBN number.
The ISBN number for “Most Fortunate Son” is 1-4241-0538-2.
Most bookstore managers, even at the big chains, are able to pick which books they stock on their shelves. If there is demand for
my book, they will be more inclined to stock it. With about 150,000 books published each year in the USA, there is no way they
can stock them all.
It appears that this is really going to happen. It’s a mystery.
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