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December 29, 2005 Powder Days
Yep. That's Evan on top of Mt. Werner.
Welcome to real life.
Not the usual month vacation for Christmas as during college, he had one
day off for Christmas so he flew to Colorado for the weekend and went
snowboarding. Short but sweet. We loved having him here and his new
clown sweater looked double-sharp on him (See previous Slipstream).
Fun time had by all this Christmas. The dogs are in mourning that everyone
has left except me. This Christmas was excellent puppy action in our house.
They both look at me like "sure! now what?". Snow shovelin', that's what.
Even Bunny has left me to attend the wedding of cousin Matt and new cousin
Megan in Virginia on New Years Eve. She and the sherpas headed to the
airport with about 8 months worth of provisions for a family of six. She'll be
gone three days.
Let's get down to business as we contemplate the beginning of 2006.
I’m going to give you some stats. You won’t like them. But you need them.
I read a lot. Some of what I read is financially related. I have been a businessman for over thirty years. I have run several
businesses and helped to build several companies. I have been involved in investing my entire adult life. Some of that
time I had some money of my own to invest. Most of that time I did not. Here come the stats:
Average USA household credit card balance in the year 2000 - $7,842
Average USA household credit card balance in the year 2004 - $9,312 from Cardweb.com
The number of working days a household earning $75,000 gross income would need to pay off a $9,340 credit card bill at $200 per
month and
a 16.44% interest rate = 51 working days. from CNN/Money
USA household debt as a percentage of personal disposable income in the year 2000 – 96%
USA household debt as a percentage of personal disposable income in the year 2004 – 113% from U.S. News & World Report
Estimated percentage increase in financial planners between 1998 and 2008 = 40% from Bureau of Labor Statitistics
(Note: full disclosure – I have been a Certified Financial Planner since 1991.)
Percentage of Australian adults that own stock = 54%
Percentage of USA adults that own stock = 48%
Percentage of Japan adults that own stock = 7% from the Wall Street Journal
“Two-thirds of all men and women who have ever lived past 65 in the entire history of the world are alive today. Throughout all of
history, most people didn’t age. They died. So in the 18th century, couples didn’t say,’Gee, what would you like to do in retirement?’,
because you’d be dead.” from Ken Dychtwald, author of Age Wave, Fortune
Number of years average worker spent in retirement in 1950 = 12 years.
Number of years average worker spent in retirement in 2003 = 18 years. from GAO
41% OF US workers age 45-54 have less than $25,000 saved for retirement.
44% of US workers age 55 and over have less than $100,000 saved for retirement. from US News & World Report
Medicare just revised their own estimate of the year that Medicare would be broke assuming no program changes from 2026 down to
2019. That is thirteen years from now. from Medicare
Okay, I’m just a little beaten down about now. Wait. Here’s some good news:
Forbes Magazine estimates that if same-sex marriages were legalized, gay couples currently living together would spend approximately
$16.8 billion on marriage ceremonies. Yeah, it is random, but that is quite a number. How can an enterprising young man such as
myself ignore such a market?
So, here’s what I’m thinking. I need to apply for more credit cards to finance my new gay wedding company because I don’t have that
much life expectancy left and I’m gonna need the income to be able to pay off those granite countertops I just charged on the card. Not
to mention my skyrocketing medical bills during my impending retirement.
Possible new company names:
Fred? Do you take Fred? Wedding Celebrations
Big EZ & the Happy Wedding Party
Your Fairy Godmother Wedding Planner
My Sister’s Closet
Back Door Weddings
Pizza My Heart Wedding Planning
It always comes back to food for me, huh? Well, I’m still working on it. Here is a link to a very clever, humorous and pointless
animated video that I think you will enjoy. I know I did. It is not porn.
Happy New Year.
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December 23, 2005 The Gift Saga Continues and a Gift for You
How about this one for Evan? A carrier for that little dog, Toto?
I am a little partial to this sweater. It’s a go.
Bunny and I bought that new house in Texas and agreed that the bazillions we will spend
on furniture and such will go for the next eight Christmas gifts. Good thing.
In our enthusiasm over holiday preparations, we are “discussing” lofty things like,
“no, I am certain that the dogs are wanting to spend a few hours in the room where
YOU are, and specifically not where I am.” Always a good Christmas mood enhancer
to allow your life to dwindle down to an argument about what the dogs are really thinking.
This dilapidation of attitude has roots in the trip prep to Colorado. Hopefully, you saw the wireless webcam shot of us driving to
Colorado. Bunny disputed its accuracy. I will get it notarized. Twice. Here is a refresher for your memory. That load wasn’t the end,
though. As I expended my last bit of duct tape to the bundles strapped to the Toyota which we had acquired after 48 hours in Denver,
Bunny announced we had to stop at Costco on the way for just a few items more. Then she unfurled, I am talking a literal shake of the
arm and a list UNFURLED several feet before man, beast and the Gasamat desk guy as I paid for gas.
Here is what we looked like as we left Denver and headed into a WINTER STORM WARNING!! Nine to twelve fluffy inches expected
while we drove for the next four hours. I tried to keep the pack mules in the back in line. You can’t see them in this photo, but there were
seven of them. We made it, but two of the mules had to be shot. Frostbite and exhaustion. I think they were the ones carrying wrapping
paper and bundt pans. For the love of golf, why? We have to be the only people who must have sherpas to help get us to our
Christmas destination because of all the useless crap that we must bring with us. But must we? No...really.
It didn’t get any better once we arrived. The front steps were covered in three feet of snow accumulated over the last thirty days. The
bottom foot was ice. Not good. A guy comes and does the driveway but nobody does steps. Can't even call the guy. And the DSL
would not work for longer than six minutes at a time. It might click back on. It might not. Merry friggin Christmas. Shoveling snow and
ice…I can do. Computer problems are on the same level as toenail removal by pliers without sedatives. Nothing ever works like it says
in the instructions. Nothing. After two days of thwarted efforts toward making the DSL Internet service work, I am cooking with gas,
baby. Stairs are walkable and the DSL works. I have no idea why. Oh, I know why the stairs are clear. I shoveled for two days. The
DSL? Who knows.
Since it now works, I have a gift for you.
I have an account on flickr where I post photos sometimes. Most of them you have seen mine already. That is not the gift. There are
some fabulously talented photographers posting there. There are photographs there that can make you remember that there is some
good out in the world. Oh, you can find the smut if you want it, but here’s an idea. Don’t look for it. Look here instead:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lucky_e
Now, when you go there, you can certainly look at my photos, but that is not the good part. Go to lucky e’s Favorites. These are my
favorite photos taken by others and posted on flickr. Set it to show you a slide show of them. When the show gets to the end of a page,
go to the next page. There are some enormously talented people out there. You are about to get to admire some of them. You will be
glad, maybe even happy.
Merry Christmas.
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December 19, 2005 The Chronicles of a Christmas Gift for Evan
We made it to Colorado.
It is a little snowy here.
Time to start looking for a gift for Evan. Had my eye on a new car for him for Christmas. Well, new to him, anyway. He could
probably swing the insurance on this one.
Check out this little item and tell me this isn’t a great idea. Might get me one.
Here is a practical, disturbing item. Definitely in the running.
The Christmas gift journey continues.
I have been thinking about why people aren’t going to the movies. Movies are some of my favorite things. Bunny and I go often. We
belong to the Dallas Film Festival and enjoy it very much. Our taste runs the gamut from artsy-fartsy to the latest blockbuster.
Offerings across the spectrum can leave me wanting more or leave me with a headache in my eye. But even the bad ones entertain
me. Somehow, I thought that was the goal. Silly me.
We recently went with our niece to see “The Chronicles of Narnia”. It is almost three hours long. With very little room for error, I have
to pee every 99 minutes. Conditions may vary, but not the result. From the activity level change of the dads in the audience,
starting at around minute number 87, I am not alone. Movie makers listen up. By about 2040, which is the time this young
generation of instant-gratification gluttons start having to pee every 90 minutes, you’d better clue in. The twelve year olds of 2005 will
not put up with your self-indulgent crap. My generation will suffer through to the end even if we have to go really bad. When the pre-
teens of today are fifty and have to pee, they will simply leave unless, between now and then, you give them a more compelling
reason to stay. I have doubts that you can do it.
This “Narnia” story had evil water buffalo presented human-like in that they were soldiers in a war. Water buffalo. Not kidding. I was
pleased to see the characters from the bar scene in “Star Wars” found work as murderous extras in this film. This movie had a
wardrobe type closet full of old fur coats that allowed you to enter a snow covered forest in a different land. Despite the snow and
pretty forest, everybody in the land wants to kidnap you and kill you because you are human and you got a better deal in life than
they got. Kinda like Mexico or Colombia.
It had a wicked witch-queen who was a bumbling nerd at first but turned out to be pretty smart and real handy with swords. She
referred to her subjects as “the faithful”. When she talked about humans, I don’t think I heard her use the term “infidel”, but she might
have. She never did realize that most of the guys on her side were evil water buffalo with human characteristics. There was a
strange concentration of Cyclops on her side as well. Haven’t seen Cyclops in a while. Maybe they’re making a comeback.
One of the main heroes was a talking lion who selflessly sacrificed himself for his people. The story had kids ascending to the throne
of an imaginary country, not because they were virtuous or smarter than the rest or because they did something amazing. As a
matter of fact, throughout the story it seemed as if these four kids mostly got there purely by accident. I think it was because they
were Republicans.
The story had betrayal, redemption, evil wolves, minotaur good-guys with the upper body of a Gold’s Gym body builder and the lower
body of a horse, flying and snarling pterodactyl-esque creatures that dropped boulders on the bad guys. How could you not want to
watch this stuff?
There were an awful lot of kids in the audience that were clearly under five years of age. It was a little intense for that age.
Apparently many parents didn’t think so.
Listen, this was not a great movie. But, if you didn’t have to pee, you might enjoy it a little.
Twelve year olds across America will spend the ride home picking it apart because, “like…it could never happen”. Look. We know
that. Can’t you just enjoy the fantasy? Not if you are twelve. If you speak with a twelve year old about the things they DO like, you
will have a much shorter conversation than if you talk about anything they wish to discuss. They are twelve. Everything sucks. Like,
they knew it would suck before it even started, okay? They knew it would suck before it was, like, even made.
Bunny and I took in “Syriana” sans twelve year olds. It was interesting. I would have liked it a little more if I could just have figured out
what was happening and why. Everything that was happening was very bad. That is certain. By the end I had barely a clue. Bunny
filled in the blanks for me. I might like to see it again if I wasn’t so depressed from having seen it the first time. G. Clooney is likeable
and fun to watch.
It was filmed like “Traffic” and the international oil biz is amazingly similar to the drug business, if you believe this one. Those Arab
guys are really bad guys, but it is not their fault. It is the fault of the evil, scheming, really smart and money-drunk American guys. Is
every Arab merely an American puppet, or is that just in the movies? Does everybody except movie makers understand that 2/3 of
the Saudi Arabian parliament was educated at an American university and they are really, really, really smart guys? By the end of the
film it is a dead-on certainty that the world will end any second and you will never have seen it coming, unless you saw this film. Fun.
Previews of upcoming attractions lead me to believe that the only movies being made for future release are cartoons using big name
star voices. Should a movie like that be allowed to say “starring Jim Belushi”. Shouldn’t they say “starring Jim Belushi’s voice”?
Maybe they should also disclose that he worked every day in cutoffs and flip-flops and didn’t shave once during the three week
shoot. Is this a great country or what?
So, we got your re-makes of every movie you ever saw as a youngster. But now they are making them into cartoons so the stars don’
t have to work so hard. Do we really need another “Batman”? A little message for everyone currently in film school. You do not need
to remake “King Kong” in 2025 just because Pete Jackson didn’t quite do it right way back in 2005, okay? I mean, really. It is just a
little much. Write a new story, for Narnia’s sake.
I cannot imagine why people aren’t going to the movies.
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December 12, 2005 Christmas Greetings from the Lucks
Leading off this holiday update we advise you that the best way to begin any calendar year is not to have dueling colo
endoscopies conducted, not even by licensed professionals. At Cheri’s insistence that is exactly what happened to us. You
don’t think I would suggest such an absurdity do you? By the way, for the examination portion of that procedure are they really
supposed to use a hand puppet?
Polyps were removed from all patients. All were benign. My digestive tract continues to throttle and brake randomly without any
prompting whatsoever in a multi-month protest of that decision. The ulcer is now heavily medicated.
I can tell you are pleased that I shared.
My desperate attempts to not capitulate to the mental and physical erosions of age have fallen way short. I am actively
transitioning from adult to geezer. A perusal of the old K-Mart computerized consumer database (available on eBay) would
indicate to even the casual observer that there has been an escalation, a virtual spike if you will, in the waist size of purchased
boxer shorts over the most recent years. Such advancement in pace and range would startle the most seasoned of medical
professionals into audible gasps.
Audible gasps by your medical professional are a way better measure of health than any textbook triglyceride/blood gas test.
To find my correct size now, I have to flop to the floor of Sam’s Club on my belly and, heavily winded from that effort, dig around
in the very back of the lowest shelf. Kids point and giggle at the old fat guy who fell down in the underpants aisle. I will continue
to search for the circles of our society where distended bellies are welcomed warmly. I have begun to swing over to the view
that a loveseat-sized backside shouldn't be hidden. It should simply be well decorated. Baked and/or fried batter consumption
spread over many decades prompts chuckling children to point and nod knowingly, saying, “Pretty sure he’s the band and choir
teacher up at the junior high.” As a result of these psyche-damaging experiences, I have for the first time chosen to embrace
my eccentricity. Now, I intend to make it grow…uh, my eccentricity that is.
As most of you already know, Cheri and I wrapped up our house-building project in Colorado. The time vacuum had to be filled
before I sucked to death. So I wrote a book. Not kidding. Writing kept me from focusing on the fact that, via aging, I am starting
to resemble a cross between Alan Dershowitz, James Carville and Cedric the Entertainer.
Google ‘em. You’ll see.
The book is a detective novel set in present day, mostly in Ft. Worth, Texas and some in the Virgin Islands. Here’s the
unbelievable part – somebody says they are going to publish it. Don’t even go there - I didn’t pay them a penny. All my money
is gone. We built that house, remember? The publishers claim they read it before committing and everything. I know. I can’t
believe it either. New career – paperback writer/media whore. Seems you have to promote yourself and your stupid book.
Gross. Since you can read more about the book on this very website in absolutely excruciating detail, let’s move along.
Evan graduated from college in the Spring. I hereby offer my heartfelt and public thank-you to him for his flawless execution of a
true four-year plan. He is the man! The graduation itself was a blastus-majorus. That wasn’t the end of the fun. He has a job
and…get this…they pay him. Here’s the pluses that I have recognized so far: Cash flow for mom and dad. My Hello!Kitty
checkbook clearly indicates it. That’s all the pluses I can think of. We had him at home for a little while this summer but he is
gone now. We really miss him and that goes for his little dog too.
Evan’s life transition is different than mine. He’s moving from devotion to his NFL foam finger collection, playing computer
video games into the wee hours and feeding his piranhas to managing real computer projects for real, live Internet clients.
When you call his office, someone asks if they can tell him who is calling. Good grief. Cheri and I keep giving fake names and
then we hope they announce it throughout the office on the loudspeaker. Last week he said people were asking him if he really
knows Condoleeza Rice. I don’t know. That college graduation deal just gave me and Cher a license to misbehave.
My sense of it is that Evan is losing the desire to purchase SUV tires for his sports car that could best be utilized on a medium
sized passenger jet. He’s learning that when you finally get to come home from work, you are tired. Imagine that. I’m all
asmirk about the whole deal. But I will say that some of that smirk is pure, ungoverned pride.
Cheri and I traveled a lot this year. We have both now admitted that it was maybe a little much. Our favorite was New England
in the fall with good friends. Niagara Falls was an awesome. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory was slicker than a pocket full of
pudding. There were extra double good eats at the New England Culinary Institute. We laughed our way across New England
as orange and yellow leaves fell all around us.
We bought a new home in Texas. We’re moving down in size. New projects abound. Our Colorado house-building lessons
have already come in handy. Cher will get you the details via snail-mail. It includes the same zip code as before and we are
expecting it to be another step toward that retirement village. I’m keeping my eyes out for one that doesn’t smell like three-days-
worn underpants and then I’m signin’ up. When I move there, I’m bringing Cheri, Bosco the wonder dog, my family pictures,
the big screen TV, the TIVO, one giant-sized robe and the Homer Simpson slippers. That’s it.
Colorado calls to us for Christmas and we will all be there. By the way, we don’t count going there as official travel. It is really,
really good. Look for me to be hitting the slopes in all my male-menopausal glory.
Merry Christmas from Eric and Cheri.
+ + =
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December 7, 2005 BOOK REVIEW: "Liquid Bones"
by Cassandra Zaruba
I recently read a terrific new book that should be released sometime in early 2006. Here is my review:
“A fresh body is always more fun. But a bit messier, too.”
So says the Emperor of Ice Cream, a former psychiatrist and hypnotherapist, in reflection on his desire to kill, apparently
for reasons as flimsy (to sane people) as to fulfill his own warped interpretation of his literary idols.
People are disappearing from the rural outskirts of Bismarck, North Dakota. The killer’s instruction book is The Best
Poems and Poets According to Kroeger. As the Emperor flips through one of many copies of his treasured book, he
seeks another victim from the poems’ descriptions. Then someone else disappears.
In addition to the Emperor, four other key characters piece together this story: Emilia, the recent college graduate, is broke and on her way to North Dakota
to care for her dying great-aunt. Luke is an art dealer whose real passion is snowboarding. Gavin is a former basketball player, now a coach with a guilty
conscience and Caleb is a theology student tortured by unexplainable visions which all too often turn out to be accurate.
In a clear nod to one of America’s greatest writers, William Faulkner, the author presents the story from alternating points of view - from the minds of each
of these characters. It is an effective method to allow an intimate look at this well crafted story. It is not enough to utilize such methods to tell a story. You
must do it well. Cassandra Zaruba does it very well. Disturbingly and understandably, the reader may find himself hoping to not see another chapter from
the extra-creepy Emperor of Ice Cream. Without that emotionally charged and illogical view, the story simply would not be complete. What is the Emperor
doing with all the bones of his victims?
It is Emilia, the self-doubting and resourceful young woman who, using her own generated moxie, is the key to solving this mystery. There is a subtle
spirituality to all these characters. The reader will be pleased to root shamelessly for some and root against others in the same manner. For the reader,
the book is simply a celebration of getting to read a good story.
Cassandra Zaruba displays her gift for storytelling with this wonderfully crafted suspense. There is some creepy stuff going on in her mind. We are
fortunate she has the willingness and significant talent to write some of it down. Full of likeable and despicable characters and an appealing interwoven
plot, Liquid Bones is the best combination of terrific writing and fun reading.
“But Jiminy crickets, I never snacked on anyone’s flesh.”
The Emperor of Ice Cream, arrogantly offended at comparisons of himself to Jeffrey Dahmer
Review by Eric Luck,
author of “Most Fortunate Son”
ISBN# 1-4241-0538-2
http://www.ericluck.net
read more about “Liquid Bones” by Cassandra Zaruba
at http://www.cassandrazaruba.com
“Liquid Bones” ISBN# 1-4137-9962-0
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