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April 24, 2006 Authors Should Issue United Demands
Burgeoning and semi-notorious author Eric Luck is pictured
here at a very recent book signing at the Maui Kai Book
and Literatoor Emporium in Kaanapali, Maui.
Not kidding.
I don't want to be too Mariah Carey about the whole deal,
but now that I have significant experience at book signings (three),
it is completely clear to me that authors should band together in a union
of sorts to demand the following from any and allbook signings:
1. Table and comfortable chair should be situated no less than 50 feet from
the lapping waves of the Pacific Ocean or another ocean acceptable to said author.
Waves should not be so big that they serve as a visual or noise distraction from
said signing activities because, after all, it is all about me.
2. Sun should be shining and it should not be too hot. Gentle trade winds would be acceptable.
3. Author may dress as he chooses. T-shirt with the words "Ft. Worth Texans Hockey", swimsuit and flip-flops
are totally acceptable.
4. Those wanting their book signed should be attractive people, nice, smiling attentive and interested. No
shouting at theauthor.
5. People wanting their book signed should not know the author too well, else they realize what a nerdy boob
he really is. May the force be with you.
6. Iced tea, Dr. Pepper and any cookie with a macadamia nut in it are acceptable foods to be served to the
author.
7. If any part of said signing occurs anytime after 11 a.m., adult party beverages should be made available to
all.
8. Because of the proximity of the signing table to the required ocean, it would be preferable if skimpily clothed
hot babes occasionally walked by on the beach in full sight of the author. If said author pauses to admire the
view, all activities around said author should cease until he re-engages.
9. No signing should be conducted during 'Two and a Half Men' on CBS or '24' on Fox unless free TIVO is
made available to the author.
10. M & Ms of any color, nutted or nutless, are totally acceptable.
I might think up some more, but this is not a bad start.
P.S. - Thanks to all my friends in Maui. You are extra-double swell.
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April 18, 2006 Words Are Not Working Right Now
We got a call on Monday morning with the report that our friend and neighbor in Steamboat Springs, Margaret
Dawes, had died suddenly on Friday.
I am having difficulty finding the words that describe our heartache over losing Poogie. She was a wife and a
mother of two teenage boys and had been in good health. Active in the community she loved, her husband and
boys were the focus of her life as I saw it. The void of losing her is widely felt. She was only 54 years old.
The unexplainable part of sudden death is the most painful part for me. Relying on faith is sometimes all we
humans have. Regardless of how strong your faith, the pain is still so very real and so great. It can seem
unbearable. Heartache is the very worst sort of human pain.
Poogie and Steve's boys are both fine young men. They may not know it yet, but they will come through this okay.
They can draw on the strength of both their parents and that will never go away. Never. I know this for certain
because I had strong parents as well.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the Dawes family.
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April 10, 2006 Movie Star Finds Work at Home Depot
In January, I ripped Pat Robertson with some degree of emotion as the originator of ‘frighteningly unintelligent design.’ You have
been previously warned that extremists in either direction risk intense ridicule from this page. Now, here comes Ben Affleck who
recently appeared on Bill Maher’s extra-double-bitch-panel-left-wing discussion show. By all indications, Ben battles his own
retardation and continues to fall considerably short of victory.
Ben’s drivel is so absurd and so ignorant that it very nearly falls below the threshold line of deserving or not deserving comment at
all. As I recall, I wrote similar words about Robertson. But, with our house move now greatly reduced in chaotic intensity, Bunny isn’t
yelling at me for the first time in weeks so I don’t really have that much to complain about right now. Ben? You are “it.”
Impaneled with Senator Joe Biden and Bill Sammon of the Washington Examiner, Ben had trouble getting his words out because his
mouth was full of his own foot at the time. Joe and Bill struggled to silently distance from Ben's oratory. Ben’s comments quickly
plummeted to the equivalent of the rantings of a high school freshman.
I looked up a transcript on the www for Bill Maher’s show on April 7 so I could quote it right:
Bill Sammon: “A lot of critics are conflating the two and are saying that because Bush disclosed this piece of information, they're
implying that Bush leaked the name.”
Ben Affleck: “He probably also leaked the name. There's just no proof of that.”
Sammon: “Even the prosecutor, even Fitzgerald is saying Bush didn't leak the name. So let's be clear, Bush didn't leak Valerie
Plame's name -- not that we know of.”
Affleck: “Because if he did, you can be hung for that! That's treason!”
Bill Maher: “That is treason.”
(Oh…good one, Bill.)
Affleck: “You could be killed. That's not joking around Tom DeLay will do a year, he bribed the state officials with
corporate money.' That's like they shoot you in the battlefield for doing that. Don’t you think we should find out who
leaked that name?”
Ben? You make this way too easy.
Did you drop out of junior high? Like, recently?
No matter what, Ben just isn’t as scary as Pat Robertson. Conservatives and liberals alike can see Ben’s ignorance and chuckle
quietly to themselves. Pat has some influence on some people which makes him much more bothersome.
Speaking of bothersome, let’ s compare and contrast with that occasionally funny, info-showman, Al Franken. On Dave Letterman’s
show, Al recently waxed eloquent on the possibility of Scooter Libby and Karl Rove being executed because outing a CIA agent is
treasonous: "Yeah. And I don't know how I feel about it because I'm basically against the death penalty..."
Franken also suggested that President Bush is at risk of the death penalty, since Karl Rove likely told the President what he did, but
Franken warned: "I think, by the way, that we should never ever, ever, ever execute a sitting President."
Now, that’s funny. See…this is a guy who knows the limits of saying aloud what he is thinking about. But then again, Al was actually
thinking. Pay attention, Ben, and where are the sprinkler parts and some masking tape?
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April 4, 2006 His Mother's Eyes
He hasn't quite figured it all out yet but he has learned more than even he realizes.
He still thinks that computer is more worthy of his attention than who is sitting with him or who is talking to him or who wants to
talk with him.
He doesn't quite get that when he says he is going to be somewhere at a certain time that people might believe him.
He would deny these last two statements, but he can write his own stuff.
Sometimes he exhibits the attention span of a gnat and the patience of a hungry squirrel.
He is very lucky to have his mother's eyes but he has no clue about how good he looks.
He has a great heart.
His sense of entitlement to instant gratification will frustrate him his whole life unless he tunes in to it and figures out how to
ignore it.
Not all the time, but sometimes, he sleeps until noon and then can't figure out why he doesn't have time to get everything done.
He admitted that it is a lot easier to live with your parents because everything is pretty much taken care of all the time.
Wow.
He should smash his cell phone with a hammer until it never works again.
Fortunately, he also has his mother's sense of humor which means he makes me laugh all the time.
His dog makes me laugh too.
He is a very good man and we are enormously proud.
He told us that he loved us and would be back next week sometime.
I can't wait.
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